My nipple is on Facebook.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
These tits shall not be calmed
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