the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
