Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
