so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
