I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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