So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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