life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
