im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
