I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
