And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I want to be your penis for a week.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
