Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
