worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
