Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
