dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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