new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
