just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Randomize
