you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
