Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
