So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist