I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
