Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
