my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home