I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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