dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
