I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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