Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.