I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
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oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
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You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?