I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
