I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
two words: eviction party
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
