last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
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I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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