I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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