So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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