theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
