I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
