a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
She tied me up with her honor cords...
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
