At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
