The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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