I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
