Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
