Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
