my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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