she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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