Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Houston, we have a squirter
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
