i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
