So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
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