Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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