is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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