If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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