piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
