I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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