omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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