I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
