she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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