omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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