I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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