I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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