Already got asked if we're dating
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
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I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
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there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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