Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
